Validation Hack

Validation is the cure we all need.
Instead of using the word “but” use the word “because.”


You don’t do the dishes and your roommate says “I’m so sick of our dishes being dirty.”

Instead of saying, “Ya BUT you never do them either,” or “It might be my turn BUT I’m freaking tired,” or “I didn’t do them BUT I’m sick of you bossing me around.”

Try validating instead!

“I can see why you’re sick of the dishes BECAUSE they are starting to smell.” Or, “I get why you’re frustrated BECAUSE I said I would do them.” Or, “Oh snap, no wonder BECAUSE it’s my turn and they’re still there.”

Validation doesn’t mean you agree, like it, approve, accept, or want more of their comments or emotions. It DOES mean you want to use an effective communication skill that helps relationships!

Replacing but with because helps:

  • validate (which we all need)

  • de-escalate

  • honors emotions

  • reduces defensiveness

  • shows a willingness to understand

  • values another’s experience

  • fosters empathy

Reminder that validation isn’t the same as truth. Saying their feelings are valid doesn’t mean their feelings are cold hard facts. It DOES mean we want to communicate and understand and show up for their emotional experience.

Our culture sucks at validation, we’re obsessed with removing and suppressing emotion, so this will feel uncomfortable and radical! We’re all starving for it on our communication and emotional needs. We all need to learn this skill. I’m dedicated to education and showing the power of validation. Stay tuned for more!
Also check out my online communication course!

Want more?

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My Therapy thoughts are for educational purposes only and are not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or individualized mental health or medical care.

Therapy and tacos for all,

T. Roe